Do not forsake the wisdom of your elders.
Older people, your parents especially, have many years of experience and insight to bring to the table. And if they love you, you will hear the truth. Because they aren't afraid to tell you like it really is.
In these moments, be ready to receive it. Do not harden yourself to their words, because only foolish people spurn wisdom. And you don't want to be a fool.
I say this because I had a decision to make this morning. Would I carry this hurt, or would I learn to let it go? Last night my mom brought something up from the past, something I didn't think was a big deal. Something I had already apologized for. And it hurt. Why hasn't she gotten over this? I thought she had forgiven me. And I didn't even think it was my fault to begin with.
It's been like that for these past few months. I thought it would be a good idea to move back home to save up, prepare for the wedding. But after being on my own for five years, coming back and having to readjust to being cared for is a weird animal. Nobody knows what kind of role to play. Should Mom still be Mom? Does the son still have to check in, or can he come and go as he pleases? I'm constantly being asked if I want lunch or dinner or laundry washed or if I can help with some chore. Some of these are good things, I know, but sometimes you're not in the right place to receive it. Even too much air can feel like suffocation.
This morning, I took the time to seek out my father. I wanted to ask him about his thoughts. I found him at the dining table, reading the paper. He was open. What's on your mind, he asked. I told him what's been going on. He listened carefully. He measured his responses, then he spoke.
Your mother is a special person, he said. You know she is very sensitive. When someone pours so much of herself into someone else, and she doesn't feel like she's getting the same, then she'll be disappointed. Even when they are giving it all they've got.
Kids your generation don't get how good you have it. Growing up, we didn't always get that attention. Now your sister is in New York, and you're back home. You're the only one she can show that sort of love to. I try to tell her sometimes it's too much, that you need space, but that's who she is. Don't push it away. That's her way of showing you love.
A part of living with your mother is learning how to fight. You both have guns pointed at each other. Don't be the first to fire. In fact, don't fire at all. Drop it, and learn how to disarm yourself. Take the hit if you have to, because that's what your mother needs.
You have to be a bigger man. Even when she isn't quick to forgive, quick to resolve, go the extra mile. Say you're sorry. Be the one to initiate kindness. Respond in love. Because at the end of the day she's your mother, and she will always love you.
My son, you're getting married soon. You're going to have to learn how to take care of your wife in the same way. Your priority will be making sure she feels safe and happy around you. The Chinese have a saying that when your house is in order, the rest will fall into place. Don't turn your home into a battlefield.
The truth is, I don't know how much longer I got. I'm close to 70, and even if I reach 80 I would call it a good life. I have to trust you'll be able to take care of your mother when I'm gone.
*****
There's something about a father's word that sinks you like nothing else. My dad and I don't always agree, but every time he speaks I take it to heart. I know I am blessed—not a lot of people have this kind of relationship with their fathers.
I wanted him to defend my case. I wanted him to see my side and tell me I was right. He didn't. But he gave me something better. He showed me how to win, regardless of who was right. It's about showing love even when you don't feel like it, because love covers over many wrongs.
Everyday I wake up, acutely aware of how amazing it is to be alive. Small, unseen miracles are happening every moment. The heart in its mighty efforts to pump blood. The lungs working to take in, push out breath. It's no light matter.
But, there'll be a day when the process stops. This is true of us all. Before that time comes I hope I'll have made a difference. When all is written, may it not read that I got many things right. I hope it reads that I tried my best to display love greatly, even when it wasn't easy.
One day, God willing, I'll have kids of my own. Then I'll know just what my dad meant, what my mom felt. I know I'll get it then.