Two weeks ago, my wife Christy and I celebrated our first anniversary. Isn’t that a trip? It might sound cheesy, but I can honestly remember when I saw her walking down the aisle, glowing in all her beauty. Time goes by swiftly.
I couldn’t have asked for a better first year. I felt like we were able to ease into our shared life as one. Sure, we both have some quirky habits. Like, I don’t know why she likes to hang the toilet paper roll under. She probably wonders why I’m predisposed to strip and leave my pants around the door whenever I walk in from work. All things considered, I’d say we fit each other like the milky flower on a cup of latte.
Mind you, it wasn’t without its ups and downs. Last year saw us through many changes, including moving to a new home (twice), changing churches, starting a new job, and starting a new company, to name a few. Through all of that, I’ve learned to find my constants in a few things: God, my wife, and my community.
Everything else comes and goes.
I thought I’d share a few lessons I’ve learned in my first year of marriage. (More than anything, this might just be an open reminder to myself.)
Listen. Listen. Listen.
If there’s one thing I constantly challenge myself to get better at, it’s this. And it all seems simple enough, right? After all, unless you’re deaf, you can’t really prevent the sound waves from hitting your eardrums. My ears are already receiving you, girl!
I thought I was really good at this until...I realized I wasn’t. Because sometimes I would try to fix her issues. Or hammer out an email while responding “uh huh” to her pauses. Or watch her mouth move while I was thinking about a project or that new fried chicken joint in LA.
Like, really, put your heart and mind into what she’s saying to you at the moment. If she’s trying to share something with you, don’t keep watching the sports game. Don’t nod your head and pretend to listen. Don’t even try to formulate answers to what you perceive as “her problems.”
When they’re asking you to listen, it really boils down to this: giving your full self to her in the moment. Learn to empathize, strive to feel and understand how she feels. Sometimes, that’s all she really needs.
Pay attention to the little things
As guys, I think we put a lot of effort into hitting the home run.
OK, the anniversary is coming up, so I can’t muck this up, we think. So we call the fancy restaurants and buy her sentimental gifts and even make sure to order the nice flowers this time (not just the cheap bunches from TJ’s). That’s great, and we shouldn’t stop doing that.
But I’ve been noticing over time, to my own amusement, how much my wife values the little things.
How she still smiles and says thank you whenever I open the car door for her. Or when I give her a foot rub after she’s had a long day. Or making/taking care of dinner when things suddenly come up. Or be the first to say I’m sorry when I drop the ball (because let’s be real, that happens more than I’d like to admit).
It’s the little things that tell her a lot about how much we really care or love her. The big things are important, but in a way, they’re also expected. But the day to day stuff, the moments that don’t always make the highlight reel, is where we have our greatest calling to prove and practice our love.
Keep chasing
Guys live for the chase. There’s a sense of challenge. It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s new. But once we “claim the prize,” we have a tendency to let our foot off the gas pedal.
Relationships, like anything else, will grow stale if we let it. If we let that curiosity and wonder die, it will. So it’s important to keep things fresh, to keep pushing to change things up.
My friend does a thing where he goes on a date with his wife every Monday. They would venture out to new areas, try new activities, and more than anything just devote time and attention to each other. They’re making it a priority to learn new things about each other, no matter how many days, weeks and years they’ve been married.
He’s a great example about what it means to keep chasing. It doesn’t mean we have to plan a date somewhere different every week, but it does mean that we need to be intentional in investing in each other.
I’ve noticed there’s something beautiful about those couples who’ve been together 30, 40, 50 years. It’s like a nicely-aged bottle of wine. There’s a deeper flavor, and a greater appreciation of its notes and textures. That's what you'll get if you build her up after all those years.
Takes a lot of sacrifice
Marriage isn’t always easy. It’s especially hard if you are fixed on a misguided belief that anything you “own” still belongs wholly to you.
Once you're married, you hand over all of it. This means your time, your money, your friendships. Everything that is or was in your hands now belongs to her as well.
This could prove difficult when your friends are having a poker night and you decide to opt out. Or you cut out of an event early because she’s feeling sick and you want to buy her soup. I get it. Some of my boys don’t even bother to call me up anymore.
And it’s not that she wouldn’t let me go out to spend time with the fellas if I wanted to. But if I’m spending all my free, waking hours somewhere else instead of with her, what does that say about my devotion to her?
It’s important to keep our boundaries and still have time to ourselves. There are days where I go out to play ball or read at a coffee shop or catch a drink with friends. I think it’s healthy, and we all need that. Just make sure that it isn’t at the expense of your relationship.
Final Thoughts
I’m looking forward to every day I get to spend with her. I don't take it for granted because I don't know how much time we're given here on earth.
I also know that it takes work, but so do all the great things in life. The key is to keep being grateful, see the sacrifice as a privilege, not a burden, and put God first.
I think that's a good starting place. I'm hopeful the rest will work itself out.